Archive for the ‘Are you Ef’n kidding me?!!’ Category


Strahd thought he could always escape any persistent adventurers simply by using his bat form. He was right.

Unfortunately, his new kitty named Shadow missed a memo.


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Steve finally decided to do something about those stray cats in his yard

(This freakin’ thing is real and I want one!)




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1.) Wizards of the Coast will announce D&D 5th edition at this year’s Gencon:

details:  In keeping with 4th edition’s tradition of gleefully slaying long-standing “sacred cows” WOTC will announce that the game shall now be referred to as “E&E”.

2.) Hasbro will bow to fan pressure and eliminate their traditional and heartless policy of laying off WOTC employees just before Christmas.

details:  Hasbro will institute a new human resources policy that mandates layoffs be humanely spread throughout the year. As a compromise, however, the new policy will require that any laid-off employee must be kicked directly in the balls by management, prior to handing them their severance check.  (Note: Be aware that those in possession of the “Quick Block, Hip” daily power card may play it, thereby negating this attack (see E&E Players Skill and Power Handbook vol. 7 pg. 934 for details).

3.) Trading on the success of the “D&D Insider” portion of the online component to 4th edition, WOTC will roll out new initiatives in this area.

details: The most popular of all of these will be access to the new “Deep Inside E&E” area of the WOTC website. Access to this area will require a credit card number and a signed statement to the effect that the user is above the age of 18 and is not a member of law enforcement.

4.) Paizo Publishing will continue to be successful with their Pathfinder franchise and will institute several new initiatives that reflect their long-standing respect and regard for their customers.

details: 2012 will see the roll-out of the Pathfinder Swag Club, making available to GM’s such items and services as free Pathfinder key-rings, a free 1-800 hotline for live Pathfinder rule advice and, should your battery go dead on the way to the game, free towing.

5.) To further comment on the state of the industry, several new table-top RPG blogs will surface next year, all trending on a currently popular meme for their title.

details: Expect to see new blogs with these titles in 2012; The Slightly Annoyed DM, The Highly-Embittered DM, The Semi-Incontinent DM and The-Your-Mother-Warned-You-Not-To-Go-Over-To-His-House-Because-He-Was-Seen-Handing-Out-Candy-To-Little-Kids-At-The-Playground-But-Did-You-Listen-?-DM. None of these blogs will survive to see 2013.

6.) Goodman Games, publisher of the popular and long-lived “Dungeon Crawl Classics” line of adventures for both 3rd and 4th edition D&D will announce the next title in that line.

details: 2012 will see the release of Dungeon Crawl Classics #87 entitled “The Escape from the Lair of the HOLY CRAP! DO YOU BELIEVE WE WROTE 87 OF THESE THINGS?!!”

Important Notice Follows:

(the above was, in its entirety, a work of fiction; that is to say that none of it is true, the reason being is that I made it all up because I am currently laid up with an injury and out of work and I have too much friggin’ time on my hands and it won’t do you any good to sue me because the only thing of value that I own is an old, half-blind cat that pisses on everything in the house and while it would be ironic to have you successfully sue me and end up having Mr. Piddles come to live in your office and piss on your keyboards trust me now when I tell you that I don’t own anything of any real value due to the fact that I am a failure in life and spend way too much time on the internet and do you really want the bad publicity of trying to take a poor, broken down old wretch and his incontinent cat to court just because you have no effin’ sense of humor? Okay, well maybe you do, but if you do I will make as big a stink about it in as many places as I can before I finally arrive at the point where I shoot my cat, strip naked, jack one of those brand-new hot Chevy Cameros convertibles and drive it off the nearest cliff while cursing your name to the New York Times and the Gods above.

Really, do you want that on your conscience? It’s parody. It’s protected speech. Live with it.)

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